THE PRESENT :
So i was clearing my old laptop and I came across the very first blog I wrote about the person I always rant about lol. I didn’t post it back then because it was a little too obvious and would have clearly got me into some serious trouble or ended up looking like one big joke. Anyway, since it’s all in the past now I thought it might be a good idea to finally put it out. It also reminded me of how much I can love, truly amazed at myself. Sadly it was wrong timing, wrong person, or otherwise?
Before you start I’m gonna warn you that this gets a little too long and dramatic (a girl’s first love okay pls understand hehe). Okay you can continue!
JUNE 2018 :
Thank you for being the person who made me smile, when all I wanted to do was cry. But isn’t it amazing, that you were also the same person who made me cry, when all I wanted to do was smile.
It’s crazy how much difference a person makes in your life.
They come in unexpectedly, slowly they become a part of everything. You begin to share a bond. You start to know each other so well. And then BOOM, your whole world comes crashing down.
I cannot blame anyone/anything in this situation. I knew it from the start. I knew I shouldn’t have let myself get carried away. But oh the stubborn heart, does it ever listen?
You don’t know what you mean to me. It’s crazy though. I actually never liked you. Then we became friends and everything changed. I knew you were only being friendly, I knew it all. And that’s probably why I can only blame myself for this mess.
The first time you told me about ‘her’, I died a lil inside. I still remember every single bit of it. It was a Saturday, and by the time I got to know that you indeed liked her, it was almost 5pm. I sat on the floor, leaning towards my bed, I plugged my phone to the charger and smiled blankly at the screen. “I told you Trisha. I told you”, I whispered under my breath. I didn’t shed a tear. I walked to the bathroom, took my shower. My heart was pounding inside me. Oh what pain is this. will I survive?
I stepped out, got dressed, wore my pretty dress, put my eyeliner and lipstick on and got ready to go to church. The usual Saturday evenings. Throughout the journey to church, my mind raced everywhere. All the thoughts poured in. I held myself. I was strong on the outside, acting perfectly normal.
I even sounded perfectly normal when I replied your texts. I gave you ideas on how to talk to her and so on. My my, what a day that was. I stepped inside St Louis, and I’ll never forget that mass. I prayed so hard, so hard. I asked for the hurt to be removed. I prayed for the best. Because the most I could do was to pray. I had to hold my tears back, didn’t want to be caught crying.
Since that day, most of our conversations were about her. The way you talked about her. Oh my god, she was so lucky. She was blessed. But somehow she didn’t value you. Never replied you the way she should. There was probably even someone else. She was giving you hints that she wasn’t interested, yet keeping you in her life, because she gets attention. I knew how you felt, I knew it hurt you so badly.
But you know, the respect I had for you increased tremendously, because you NEVER ONCE spoke bad about her. Or badmouthed her, or called her nasty names. NEVER. Even when you knew it might go no where. You never accepted defeat, and you always wanted to do something more to be that one person who stands out in her life.
That was when I knew, I was gonna do what I can to help you.
Days passed and suddenly she wasn’t a part of our conversation anymore. It was just us. As if the universe felt my pain and magically fixed everything. AGAIN, I knew I should hold myself back and not be stupid. But goddamn this heart I tell you. I was smitten, by everything. Oh snap. This is a mess.
And just when I got used to this, tadaaaaa, she makes a comeback. But I didn’t feel all crappy this time. I helped you out and listened to you.
Slowly you drifted away. From not talking that often to not talking at all for 4 days. This was too much. I don’t know how it was to you. But it was hell for me. I dunno how and when you became so important to me, but your absence made it torturous. I wasn’t happy, I was lashing out at my parents and family. I cried myself to sleep, I constantly checked my phone. Every time my phone beeps, I secretly wished I would see your name pop on the screen. I honestly didn’t know what was happening to me. It has never happened before.
I hated this. I had my moment of self doubt. I blamed myself for not being perfect, for not being enough. Not just for you but for everyone around me. I felt I was a horrible daughter, friend, cousin, niece, you name it!
I did snap out of it, one evening. Just sitting on the swing in the porch, watching the sun set and the skies gloriously changing colour. It was magical, and it was one of my favourite things to do. I missed being me. I knew I was pulling myself into a dark hole. I knew I had the strength and I knew I can be strong. There’s more to life, and I don’t wanna be missing out on all the good stuff. So I distracted myself and it was all going well, till you made a re-entry.
Well shit, here you come again. It still wasn’t the same old us. But it was something. And that moment I realized how much I missed everything. And guess what, within a week it’s all gone again.
It was horrendous. All these thoughts linger in my head. “she is probably there for him now, he doesn’t need me”, “wow, so I’m just the 2nd resort?”, “wait not even that, more like a part time friend”. Was I being stupid? “NO you overdramatic girl!”. Well of course not, he doesn’t see anything wrong with this because he doesn’t see this the way I did. He doesn’t feel what I felt. That’s the thing with us girls, we feel wayyy too much too easily, and in the end we hurt ourselves. The easiest option was to blame destiny, to blame him, blame my luck, blame the coconut tree opposite my house and what not. But the truth is, I knew it from the start, and it was indeed my fault.
So its been exactly a week now, the 2nd time around. And I finally brought myself to write this out. I bawled my eyes out so much in this one week, not because of him obviously, I wouldn’t do that. But because I was feeling this weird kind of emptiness and heaviness in my heart that caused unwanted fights with other people around me. Yes, I missed you.
Today was the peak of it, I missed you soooo much. Oh god, I watched a movie, did everything I could but I couldn’t take my mind off you. Oh and we’ve barely been friends for 6 months.
The hurt is real, but the lesson is bigger. Expectations are the key to disappointments. As I’m typing this out, I know this will all get over. It’s just a phase, I will be fine again, and hopefully we can be the best-est of friends again. Somehow writing this out makes me feel so good, it’s as if I’m releasing all the pain.
I wanted to post this on my blog, but now I don’t think I would. I didn’t want it to be so straightforward at first, but it turned out to be so direct. I don’t want you to read this because I still cherish our friendship, and I don’t want you to distance yourself even more. If by any chance, you ever come across this, please know that this isn’t your fault, and it’s totally okay, because you made me feel what love is actually like. I always thought love was what I had for my ex-crushes, but nope, love is loving someone knowing you will never have them, yet being happy because they are with someone they love. Love is loving without expecting love in return. And most of all love happens unexpectedly, to someone you never thought you will fall for, in the most unexpected way. And despite all the pain, it’s probably one of the most beautiful feelings ever. So hey, thanks for being my first love! J
BACK TO THE PRESENT :
So? I hope you guys are fine *slow laughs*. All jokes aside, what a crazy experience it was! God! While we’re at it I’ll give y’all an update : YES we did get together but obviously it didn’t go down very well ha ha ha....but that’s a story you probably already know from my previous blogs (if not please go read, if your heart can still take this drama lol).
BTW we're not even friends anymore, if you're wondering (don't laugh!!)
I am happy, mentally healthy and feeling good now. So all that ends good is good afterall? I guess it is!
Thanks for staying till the end. Till next time <3
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